hello.

so, i am slightly intimidated by this whole idea. spilling out my mind for all to see. but quite frankly, i am not doing this for others. i have come to the realization that i am losing my memory. i have begun to forget the little things, like if i brushed my teeth already or a statement that i declared the day before. but the loss of the bigger things are the things that scare me. like my childhood memories or even greater, the lessons that God has already taught over the years. and these are the things that i don't want to lose. so ultimately this blog place is quite a selfish endeavor. i am grasping with all my might to the small, seemingly insignificant events throughout my day that seem to help define who i am and what i am doing with this thing i call life. and i am slowly realizing that i have had difficultly in processing what's going on all around me. and then i realized that i haven't been writing for the last year or two. i put my finger on a very small part of the problem.

expression, expression, expression. at this point, i could care less if i sound witty or intelligent or funny or spiritual or whatever we strive to be. i just want to be me. and try to begin to figure out the stuff floating in my head. and who i actually am i guess. and the fact is, i don't even think anyone will even read this. probably good for their sake. rambling rambling rambling.

but regardless...
there is the thought of the day: i am sick of apathy and complacency.

i want to have nothing to do with it. but it seems to pull me in and entertain my idle thoughts. or rather, distract my thoughts to idle thinking of seemingly unimportant things. it anchors me and suffocates me and it's so clever that it will seep into my life without me even realizing it. and its gross.

life is not about routine. or order. or the american dream. or money. or prestige. or an education. or being liked. or making ourselves feel good about who we are. or whatever we tell ourselves. its about Jesus. and people. and loving them.

there is so much i feel like i can say right now. and no way to really express it all. i just want to be different. i want to embrace the love that Christ has for me and i want that to change me.

I WANT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT MYSELF.

and i get trapped. this feeling makes me what to leave america and place myself back in thailand or uganda or maybe even just someone else's eyes. to see it differently. what i see around me is not the norm. we are blessed beyond comprehension and what i am i doing? to those who have been given much, much is required. i want to be shaken. i want to let myself be shaken. i want to be affected. i need to let myself feel. and i want healing. healing that only God can give. transformation that only the holy spirit can do.

i feel like i am on the edge of something, but i don't know what it is.

but i do know that God is good. but not just good, but holy and perfect and loving and just and forgiving and strong and gracious and merciful and tender and righteous and everything i need. he is it. he knows my thoughts before i think them. he knows them even if i am confused with what they are. and he loves me. and you. like crazy. he deeply and passionately loves us. and he is pursuing us. and we have nothing to worry about because he is on our side.

and here i am. stretching my hands out. wanting to be transformed. this life is not my own. my life was bought for a price on the cross. and its a process. i understand. i just want to be faithful. to undestand a little bit of this love God has for me. if i really understood it, man, i would have to live differently. sometimes i just don't know where to start. be faithful in the little things. love in the little things. pray for others. pray with others. walk in the spirit. take a risk. and stop living for myself.

man i am rambling. but for sake of my homework and the explosion of my head, i will cease.

cheers.
kelsey